Randoms by Jenn

I am so so SOOOOOOO ever-lovin tired of the state this Country is in!!!!! Instant-gratification is BEYOND out of control! We are a country full of people who are merely more than spoiled 11 year-olds who want nothing more than to be famous or attain success for NOTHING!!!!! No one wants to aspire to anything anymore, they just want to get on a reality show and be famous for standing around! What does this say about us????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?!?!?!?!?! Our girls dress and act like whores. Our boys think all they have to do to be desirable is put on a particular deodorant, nevermind how they TREAT a girl! Fear-mongering and hate speech has become SO acceptable people don't even seem to realize what they are saying and doing anymore. Everyone wanted a giant house like they saw on MTV Cribs or Extreme Makeover Home Edition full or granite countertops and stainless steel appliances without striving to secure those things for themselves if AND ONLY IF they could afford them!!!! We value our animal and female abusing celebrities more than out TEACHERS!!!!! WHat other job do you know of where so much of the employees OWN MONEY is spent to perform their job?!?!?!?!?!?!

This Country is INSANE!!!!! We expect the failures of the last 8 years to be gone in the blink of an eye with minimal accountablity heaved upon us! We finger point and name-call and divide instead of trying to work together!!!!! We need the generation back that WENT through the Depression and WENT through WWII to teach us what it meant to work together and sacrifice and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and be UNITED!!!!!! This Country has fallen into SUCH disrepair with our boys and girls caught up in a sound-byte war that ends in them REALLY losing their lives!!!!!!!! Why are our children the ones to PAY FOR OUR SINS?!?!?! Off to war! Their education system is a JOKE! All we do is point the finger at those on the front lines who are trying to make a difference and it always comes at the expense of our CHILDREN!!!!

The path of least resistance is OFTEN the road to incredible FAILURE!!! WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS, USA!!!!!!!!! We are BETTER than THIS!

ALL this infighting, name-calling, finger-pointing, fear-mongering, questioning of anyone 's Patriotism at the mere suggestion of opposition, RACISM disguised as politican debate MUST END!!!!!!!!!!!! We are NEVER going to get out of this MESS until we stop trying to be someone else or impress someone else or show off for anyone who will listen for our 15 minutes of fame!

WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS, UNITED States of America!!!!!!! DO BETTER!!!!!

A Baby’s spirit came to me

So that I could set it free

I loved this baby oh so much

The one I never got to touch

No hand in mine, no one to feel

But how I know this soul was real

We shared a time, we shared a space

And though I never saw your face

Of felt your breath or touched your hair

Our time together was beyond compare

Our moment true and ours to keep

Love, in time, short but running deep

So though much longer it will be

Before each other we can see

Know always, Baby, I love you so

I did not want to let you go

I wish you were still here with me

But one day, Love, one day will be

The time for us, the time for me

To hold you like I want to now

To kiss your forehead, to touch your brow

To tell you that your Mommy’s here

To whisper softly in your ear

Sweet lullabies and secrets, too,

Of just how much I do love you

I miss you here..

I miss you so..

I wish you didn’t have to go…

And so I’ll wait, but know I’ll be

Always with you and you with me

I’m needed here so here I’ll stay

You’re free to fly, to lead the way

I’ll see you later and miss you till then

And know in my soul

We’ll be together again

We’ll have our time, just you and me

My Precious One,

You and Mommy

 

I love you…

Life has a funny way of teaching you things you already know.

That's a great quote from a movie a friend of mine made in school.  And is it ever true.  When you really stop to listen, you honestly find out that you actually do know what to do, what you think, and, most importantly, what you want.  All you have to do is find the courage to actually reach out and grab it.  And the only way to do that is to finally allow yourself to take in one phrase: I am worthy.

You ARE worthy.

You ARE deserving.

You ARE good enough.

May 2009 be the year you finally, finally, finally hear those words and know they are true.  May you find the courage to grab hold of everything you've ever wanted and never let go.  May you know, above all, that no one deserves the very best more than you.

You ARE worthy.

You ARE deserving.

You ARE good enough.

Just the very way you are in this very moment in time.

You are good enough.

I hate liars.  I hate hate hate liars.  The truth always comes out in the end so why bother?  You lie because you are weak.  You chose deception and fakeness.  You have always lied and made me the fool in your play.  What a complete idiot I've been to ever trust you.  How foolish of me to ever think we could make things better, get things right.  HA!  I understand fully now that that has never been what you wanted, even years ago when you said you wanted it as much as I did.  So you know what?  You get your wish.  You treat people like second class enough and your hands get to stay clean.  You push people away for long enough and you get to act like they left you.  You convince yourself you've done your best when all you've done is reject and act superior.  It's a mean way to live your life.  You are mean for how you've treated me, my family, and now my son.  Tell yourself whatever you want.  Do whatever you want.  But know you are a mean person for the way you've treated us.

I say this for you but I also say it for me:  You have NO more control over me.  You have damaged things severely and it will be up to you to fix it if you ever want a relationship with me.  I will absolutely no longer chase you or need your approval.  Tell yourself whatever little story you must but know YOU have made this decision.  All these years, all your meanness. You have disrespected my mother, my sister, my husband, me, and now my son.  You have a lifetime of hurt to make up for and I can not forgive the mistreatment of my son without effort on your part.

YOU have made this choice.  Not me.  I have only made the choice to take my life back from you.

 

To my wonderful Uncle,

You should have turned 50 years old today.  I wish you were here.  I wish we could have celebrated today and honored what an outstanding man you were.  If anyone ever deserved to be celebrated, it was you.  We still ache from your loss and our family is missing it's heart but the strength and courage you gave us keeps us going.  It's not right that you're not here, but we know you're never far away...

So thank you for saying hello.  Yes, I know it was you :^)  Know that I love and miss you terribly.  And most importantly...

Happy Birthday

James,

I love you longer than time
I love you more than the most
I love you with all of my heart and soul
Sleep well almost 11-1/2 month old boy

Longer than forever...

Mommy

Thursday, May 22, 2008
11:58pm

 

James

 

Where do I even begin?

How can I ever explain?

 

James

 

There’s no way to describe

What is in your Mommy’s heart

 

James

 

The fact that you are actually real

Actually mine

Actually the person who reaches for me

Me

For comfort

Still boggles my mind

And hasn’t set in

 

James

 

How can I ever find the words

To thank you

For all you’ve given me

In 10 short months

 

James

 

There are no words to describe

My love for you

My son

 

The words simply do not exist

To fully convey the depth

Of Love

Of Hope

I have for you

 

James

 

Every time an eyelash falls

I catch it and make the same special wish

For You

 

James

 

I’m your Mommy

 

When you laugh

When you cry

When you’re mad at the world

And every moment in between

I will forever be there for you

Always

 

You are my son

You are my heart

You are the very most precious thing in all the world to me

And I just simply adore you

 

I love you in a way I never knew existed

And now when I look into my Mom’s eyes

I get it

 

Just as one day you’ll look into mine and finally know

 

How absolutely complete

My love for you is

 

There is nothing that can change it

There is nothing that can end it

 

You are my precious boy

I am your Mom

Forever

 

And even that simply isn’t long enough to love you

 

But you better believe I will!

 

Longer than forever…

 

Mommy

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

11:24pm

 

 

 

There is no more I can give you.  There are no more words to say.  I deserve better than scraps and I deserve more than being kept at arms length.  You can’t accept or even acknowledge things, much less discuss what absolutely needs to be worked through for peace of mind and trust to begin.  Honestly, your actions prove I am of little value for actions, we know, speak louder than words.  Protest if you must, but take a good look as you do.  I let go of trying to convince you.  I am a good person and worthy of love that doesn’t come with the underlying threat of being taken away.

 

Too much energy has gone into trying to fit in in a place I should have always been welcome.  Too many tears have been shed for unrequited love.  Please don’t do me any more favors in the name of someone you have made me feel I have little claim to anyway.  She SO would not want me to feel this way.  It is this simple… I cannot long for you anymore.  It will never be what it should.  It actually is too late.  There is no chance, as things currently stand, for that to ever be.  This does not mean there is nothing.  There is something.  There is love.  I love you.  Probably more than you could ever see.  But my love has been misinterpreted too many times and my heart simply cannot take any more.

 

It’s not just about me anymore.  I do not want my son to go through the pain that has been my time here.  I absolutely refuse to taint his view of everyone and if I remain as stressed and confused as I have been for the last 26 years or so in relation to you, there’s no way it won’t happen.  The same way you want to defend your father, he will want to stick up for me and that is not a burden he will bear.  I refuse to place it upon him.  When he’s old enough, if he asks, things will be explained to him.  Until then, I won’t take anyone’s love away from him or keep his love from anyone else.  Why?  Because I do love and cherish each and every last one of you.  It’s just not healthy for me to chase you any more.

 

Please believe me, I write this with a calm heart.  Ok, maybe I was a little mad at the beginning but it has subsided and now I'm just trying to reflect on things.  I'm really not angry but I have finally come to accept that people can only give what they can give.  That, eternal optimist though I am, sometimes, sadly, it really is too late for some things.  I cannot continue to feel the way I have felt.  I can no longer let the decisions made by other people effect how I feel about myself.  And, I can no longer love you in this way that just makes me lose a little bit more of myself every time something happens.  I cannot live with the fear of losing you because I’m a bad person or walking on eggshells trying to figure out the game.  I thought progress was being made but feel I had the window slammed on my fingertips by everyone in November.  I just can’t, and won’t, do it anymore.

 

What I will do is love you...  no more expectations, no more desperate desire to fit in to the group because I just never will.  I don’t hate you.  I’m not mad at anyone.  I just want to love you in a way that is safe for me.  I can’t chase you anymore but I can give you access to my heart.  I hope that one day you might want to get to know me.  Maybe you’ll like me.  Until then though, I can’t keep hoping you will.  It hurts too much waiting to be liked.

 

So... No more begging.  No more chasing.  No more longing.
Just an open heart whenever you want to stop by.

I love you all, DDAJEVMSJBRKCTPM.

I love you all.

Six months ago

My life was changed

You came into this world

A blessing, a gift

Our Precious James

 

How long we waited

How long we dreamed

And now you’re here

And that life before

Is what seems dream

 

Was there ever a time before you?

Was there ever a moment I didn’t know you?

Was there ever a chance I wasn’t meant to be your Mom?

 

Simply… no

 

I carried you in my heart

Even before I carried you inside

My soul has known yours forever

And that’s probably why waiting for you

Was the hardest thing I ever had to do

In all my life

 

Now you’re here

You’re real

You’re mine

Mine and Daddy’s

Forever

And we’re never ever letting go

 

Six months ago

My life was changed

 

Thank you for being the one my heart was meant to love

Thank you for being my precious, precious son

 

I love you, Jamie

 

Longer than forever

 

Mommy

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

11:14 pm

 

I look at my son

His sleeping face

The unconscious bob of the pacifier he’s not yet ready or asleep enough to spit out

I look at him and my heart fills to overflowing

My eyes fill and all I want in this world is to hold him

A little tighter

A little closer

A little longer

And never ever let him go

 

I want to touch his face

His nose

His cheek

His fuzzy wuzzy hair

I want this moment to freeze in my mind forever

So I write this

And will never forget

How I felt in this moment

 

He is my angel

 

And now he’s awake

 

Thank you…

 

Sunday, December 02, 2007

9:30am

 

 

My life is so sweet.  I couldn't be happier or more thankful...

 

But I feel so lost...

 

An innocent act, despite what's suspected, and such a huge mistake.  With 20/20 hindsight there is such claritty but I guess I was blinded.  By hope?  By trust?  By...what?  It feels like a lie.  So many years now feel like a lie...  Things that in my weakness and my insecurity and fear I tried so very hard to tell myself were imagined have been proven.  It devastates me.  It devastates me....

 

I want so much for James.  This burden should not, will not, to the death will not be his.  So pure..happy..precious..sweet...  Dear heavenly Father, may his heart never ever ever know such hurt.  I cannot stop his pain but dear God, a thousand times on me before one drop even begins to fall on him.

 

I pray for understanding.  I pray for peace.  I pray to go on.  I pray not to fear.  The impossible will never happen and I pray for us to find a way.  Please help us find our way.  Please help us find the path.  If the path is two and should stay separate and never merge, at least let them be side by side so we can reach out and touch when we are strong enough to trust again.  Connection, though so very scary, cannot be lost.

Forgive me...forgive my misunderstanding and my ignorance...forgive my desperate need...  I am so much more sorry than can be expressed.  I never meant to hurt, scare, insult, disrespect anyone... I never meant to cause this.  Please know my motives were pure.  Please know my intent was only to reach out..to be a part..to be the same..to know your life... I didn't know.  I just didn't know.  And I'm so sorry for my part in not knowing...

 

I feel so stupid.  I feel so outside.  I feel so unknown...  I.feel.so.soo...lost...

 

Find me.

 

Please, look for me.  Please look for me and find...

 

...me...

 

I miss my Uncle Kevin.

I miss him more each day that passes.

I don't understand why he had to be taken because there just is no reason for it.  I tell my sister sometimes that maybe there was some lesson someone was meant to learn from this whole thing and maybe that someone was none of us but then times like today I just want to tell myself to shut up cuz none of it makes sense anyway.  Sometimes it feels so stupid to try and make sense of any of this and then sometimes all you can do it try because it's the only way to go on.

You think of all the little things that got under your skin or that made you roll your eyes and all you want is for one more chance to hear or experience ANY of those things again.

It just doesn't make sense that he's gone.  He wasn't sick.  It's just stupid.  That my Uncle Kevin is gone and I'll never see him again and my son will never know him and my husband doesn't have his project buddy anymore is just stupid.  It's stupid and it HAS to be a mistake.

But it's not a mistake.  He's really gone and we're all left trying to get through it.

How do you make sense of this?  How do you understand this?  How do you look forward to the holidays because you have a new son who just fills your heart with SO much joy that all you want is to see him smile with that magic you know the holidays hold while at the same time all you want to do is crawl under the covers and weep and wail until you pass out and hopefully sleep through it all..?

Why couldn't we have closure?????  If this had to happen WHY did it have to be so awful that none of us, especially Carol, could have real closure?!  What was the point of that?  Why does this have to be so so hard....  You never think those stories on the news or in the papers will be your family's story... You just never think it's gonna be you.

BE THANKFUL FOR EVERY DAY YOU HAVE WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!  Don't take a SINGLE MOMENT for granted.  NEVER EVER let a moment pass you by when you didn't say I Love You.  You can never say it enough.  If anything terrible was to ever happen, you will never regret a single time you told someone you loved them, only the times you let the moment pass.

I love you all and hope you ALWAYS know how very very much you mean to me!

 

I love you Uncle...and miss you more than I ever thought possible.

 

 

one month one day
how life has changed
precious ac
can't imagine
hope it's never me

one month one day
so many times
split second of calling
undone
if only it could all be

one month one day
how to go on
how to gather, celebrate
how not to?
sweet son

one month one day
tears still fall
questions
questions
question
why...

one month one day

how can

  so much time have gone by

  life moved on

  the sun continue to shine

 

one month one day

the heart, the core, the center

so missed

so so missed

so loved and so missed

 

one month one day

 

one month one day

 

through our tears you’ll go on

through our memories j will know

through our pain we will bond

closer still

because of you

 

hearts ache

you’re missing

angel protector still

carry your name

carry your name

thank you for your life

thank you for your love

thank you for your lessons

thank you for it all

never goodbye

 

see you again

 

love you forever

 

uncle

 

uncle

 

one month one day

still hard

 

one month one day

 

 

A Boy… Wow…

 

I can’t lie.  There is a part of me that’s really disappointed I won’t be having a daughter, well, at least not yet.  But even as I say that, I know that had Little One been a girl, I’d be saying the same thing about not having a son.

 

A Son… Wow…

 

We’re gonna have a little boy.  A son.  This little kicker is my son.  My son.  Our son.  How weird is that?  How weird that soon (sooner than even I realize, I think) he’s gonna be here and be real.  A tiny little person we can hold and hug and love and kiss.

 

Ok, so there won’t be so much Little House as there will be Harry Potter or the Hardy Boys and maybe there aren't little frilly dresses in my immediate shopping future.  But how can that compare with the reality that this child I’ve waited so long for is so close to being here.

 

He is going to be real.

 

He is going to be ours.

 

He’s our son.

 

Our little James.

 

I can’t wait to meet you, James Everett Cece.

 

My baby.  My little boy.  My son.

 

I try to stop and think about how I’m feeling.  I don’t think I’m scared in any way.  In fact, I think I might actually be getting a little calmer about the baby actually BEING here in 2 short months.  We’re starting to get things set for the baby’s room.  Things are sort of falling into place with all that extraneous stuff.  Trying to figure out leave and insurance and work and time and all that stuff is pretty stressful and beyond overwhelming.  And then there’s always the fun can’t-get-off-the-couch-or-out-of-bed-without-help; God forbid I should drop something on the FLOOR!  But in just 9 more weeks or so, this little one will be here and it’ll be a whole new set of things!  Everyone around us has had such good cooperative babies over during the last year.. has the luck run out?  Will our little angel be a drama queen or king?  Will this precious tiny one need more attention than exists in the world?  Or will we have an easy going, challenging but cooperative apple of our eye?  What will it look like?  Who will it look like?  Who will it be?  It seems like SO long ago I took those four tests that turned positive and now we’re in the single digits of weeks left before we actually MEET this person!  A real for real little J&J combo!  It’s still almost unbelievable, even when I’m getting punched around the ribs and kicked MUCH lower.  It’s still so hard to believe this part of my life has finally gotten here!  And how LUCKY am I that I get to live this whole wonderful life with the most incredible man ever.  He takes SUCH good care of me and I know to my core he is going to be the most wonderful father this child could ever hope for.

 

We are truly blessed.

We are so very lucky.

Life, REAL life, is just perfect.

 

 

So there you are...  Our precious little miracle we've waited for for so so long.  Do you have any idea how very much we already love you?  We saw your face today and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.  We saw your heart (Daddy for the first time) and it made our hearts melt.  We saw your arms and fists, your belly, and your sweet little skinny legs.  I think you might get my thighs but we'll wait and see :^)  You seem to like to hang out on my right side.  I wonder if that's cuz that's the side Daddy's usually on :^)

I can't believe you're actually on the way.. I've waited for you for so so long and it seems like an eternity before you'll actually be here.  You are going to be the luckiest baby ever because you are gonna have the BEST dad and SO much love!  I hope I can be even half the mommy to you that my Mommy has been for me.

You're so real...

I can't wait to touch those little feet and legs and hand and arms and bottom and tummy and head... I can't wait to look into your face, your eyes...  I can't wait to see your Daddy hold you and look at you...

I just can't wait....

This is my favorite time of year.  Maybe it's the romantic in me.  I love Christmastime.  I think a huge part of it is that its like the longest holiday of the year  I mean, come on, Christmas really goes from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve so there's always tons of time to see EVERYONE and have a great holiday :)

I just want you all to know that you guys (and you all know who you are) are so very special and incredibly precious to us.  We love you all for always being there for us, supporting us, and just loving us as much as you do.  If you've ever felt we've taken you and your friendship and love for granted, we are so so sorry.  You mean the world to us and we need to make sure you always know that!  You are the best and our lives would never be the same without each and every one of you in it!!!

So, have the very merriest of Christmases and all the very best of everything in the coming year!

All our love,
J&J

 

A stranger from so far away

Has become my everything

Has brought me such love, happiness, and peace

Words could never express my gratitude

 

I am lucky

We are lucky

So meant to be

How else can you explain it?

Fate

Mate

Forever

 

I love you with all that I am

I love you for all that you are

 

I found my other half

My perfect fit

 

Our life is blessed

Our life is perfect

Especially in its imperfection

Still so much to learn

And I can't wait for tomorrow

To learn even more about you

Even more reasons to love you

And thank God for bringing us

Together

 

This day is one of my absolute favorites!

 

This day is your day

The day my love came to be

The day the very beginning of our story began

 

I love you

 

I love everything about you

 

Yep, everything

 

Kisses

Hugs

Kisses and Hugs

 

I love you

 

HBJC

 

 

 

You wish for something for so long and then, one day, it finally happens...  Life changes before it does and you're not sure if it's scary or wonderful or exciting or what but the one thing you do know is that it's ALL that stuff!  Well, maybe not the scary part :)  You'd think it would be but somehow scary is the very least thing it is.  How can a tiny little white and black blob on a triangular black and white canvas make things so different and yet so free?  How can something that couldn't even begin to survive outside, on its own, be stronger than all the fears and insecurities that you could have?  How can this tiny soul that can't even fill your palm fill you with such peace that you know everything's gonna be ok.  The stress of life dimishes, all the drama, all the things that annoy you... What a miraculous being that little black and white blob is.

This shape that looks like a peanut or a bean or just an oval depending on the angle..

The flicker of a heart beat...

A new and delicate little life...

How I can't wait to see you grow.

How I can't wait to hear your sound, your heart, your soul...

So tiny and already the most precious thing in my world..

I love you Little One.  And I can't wait to finally see who you are.